Wandering

Why is it that I still have days that I feel like I'm muddling through the routine? It's like I'm still unsure about my direction. Am I coming or going? It's my personality to overthink everything. I over think teaching, kids, weightlifting, running, shooting...you name it. I once realized it when I was shooting a gun for the first time. I started talking about being a quarter of an inch off and giving my reasoning....why do I have to explain myself every time? Because I think too much. I really hate it. I wish on some level I could let loose a little and kick back. I am mentally exhausted at the end of every day.

Pressure

I am having a night that makes me frustrated with myself. I know, I know...Rome wasn't built in a day. However, these muscles had been built before and torn down without my permission. I get frustrated that a simple front squat movement is so tough....my knees just don't want to bend with the weight. I struggled and it was a real test of my committment to my self.  I remember feeling this way at 16 when I couldn't squat behind the plate. I cried for days maybe weeks. Something I had known my whole life gone.

I see results, but then I don't feel like I'm measuring up to where I should be. I feel like I'm not doing all I could be. I wish I could work out 3 times a day it would be glorious but so unrealistic. My body is changing but right now I'm in the awkward state of unproportional. It's frustrating every morning trying to find clothes that are flattering. I always feel like I could of pushed harder through the workout mentally but physically when it comes to front squats, thrusters, clusters or any movement like these I have a hard time. I know with time it will get better. I just have to press on. 

Rain

"When it rains" by Lisa DeJong is an amazing book filled with so many emotions. I laughed, I cried, and I connected with the characters. Amazing job. I highly recommend this to anyone looking for a good love story.

Love Crossfit

I love Crossfit. I love the challenge. I love how it's changing me. I love the different outlook I have. I love how I feel. I love seeing how much I can push myself. I love the friends I have made. I love the community.

Fear not

I'm realizing I need to be more proud of me and give myself some credit. I short change myself a lot. I never feel like I have done enough. I have a friend who is inspiring me to wake up with a more positive attitude. No matter what I will be happy. So today with no shame I will post my first picture in a bikini. All my comparison pictures from here on out will be in this bikini. (Picture taken 2 weeks ago...)

Stop

Today, I feel like everything is crashing down at once. I cannot seem to catch up. If it's not one thing it's another. It's days like this I just need to pray and talk about it. I know I'm not the only mother trying to do it all. I just don't get how and why it's so hard. My house is a totally catastrophe looking like a tornado has made its way through and blown in junk. This house is too small and not sure how much more I can take before I start renting me an apartment for some sanity every now and then. For the last 3years we have lived in limbo not knowing if we were staying or going. Now we decided to stay it doesn't seem like the construction will ever start only simply bc I don't have the time to deal with it. I seriously want to break down in tears. I feel like I carry the entire load of responsibility. 

I know I'm having a pity party. I don't understand why it's a society norm for the female to have to always concede and give up her life for everyone else in the house to enjoy theirs. When do I get to put me first and why do I sound so much like a brat saying this? I can't be the only one who feels this way. It's not always hearts and roses. 

I am tired of feeling like I live from minute to minute trying to fit everything I can possibly manage. I have anxiety bc of the rat hole we live in. Seriously I'm about ready to lose it. I don't think I can take this mess another week. I'm tired of cooking always being a challenge and the sad part is it's only bc I don't have time to plan it out. When I do have time I spend cleaning up messes. Gurrr...I am such a failure and whine bag. I seriously think something in my schedule will soon have to give. Sad thing is it's going to have to be the one thing that makes me feel like "I" am accomplishing something for my self 😁😞😞😣

😤😤😫😫😫😫😥😢

A year ago....

Another half marathon is at my reach. One year ago, I posted about preparing to for one I registered for before I tore my ACL. Since recovering and joining Crossfit 797, I have signed up for my next attempt at a 13.1. My training techniques have changed. I am mentally preparing and getting stronger. Trying to be better than my yesterday. Another goal is to stay in one piece before this marathon, lol. I think it's the challenge to finish the race not the actual running. Hopefully, I finally fulfill this life goal in a month!

10 years

It has almost been 10 years since I lost one of my best friends. The pain has gotten easier but the question "why?" still exists. 

The last two days I have had overwhelming feelings about him. Feelings that make me miss his happiness and full throttle approach to life. I never really talked about how the accident effected me. Looking back now it totally changed my life and I acted reckless. I wish I could turn back time and redo things differently. I acted rash and should have sought out someone to talk to professionally. It should not have taken me 10 years to cry and not feel like I was to blame. 

I read a book by Tarryn Fisher that tells a story about a girl who loses her first love. She embraces his memory and the happy times. I will never forget my first motorcycle ride it made me feel so free. The flowers he left on m car or the notes he sporadically left me in the middle of the night. He was a true gentleman. After all these years,I realize I needed closure. I never got any closure. I only felt like I belong because of him and when he was gone I felt alone. Isolated from the world. He gave me hope for a better tomorrow. 

Friends I knew my entire life left me in my darkest moments. There were times I wonder if it all was worth another tomorrow. I battled many serious issues months after his accident. I wore a full body armor to shield my self from others criticism and ridicule. I only thought of myself. It was the defense mechanism I had developed to keep from feeling anymore pain. My choices affected others that did love me, but I was too broken to care. Life shouldn't be so harsh and people should never feel alone. 

Somehow over the years I have muddle through my problems. I have learned to accept myself as I am. I am happy with me. Time has blessed me; I'm so lucky. God brought me a wonderful husband that hasn't ever given up on me and two beautiful children that show me happiness and how to embrace life head on. 

Even though my life has moved on, not a day goes by that doesn't make me think of him whether it be a cloud animal in the sky, the Incredibles on TV, a picture of the Grand Canyon, or my eternal love tattoo.... I will always remember the guy who took my hand and showed me that people liked me for me and to smile and embrace life to the fullest. He was so confident and always wore a smile. He lit up every room he walked into and had his own approach to everything. I pray I never forget him. 

"To heaven with Love." My Texas Angel~~

Inspiration

Yes, it's 31* F here in southeast Texas and everythig has shutdown. It is true that Southeast Texas weather changes every 5 minutes. We have now froze over twice in 5 days and this time it may last for two days. We have been out I work/out of school for two days, which we have to make up - yay (sarcasm). 

However, I have not let this inclement weather demolish my workout plans. My husband has been an inspiration. He got up before work today and drove me to Baytown to workout at the gym in the big four wheel drive Ford (due to frozen roads). 

I figured I can't be mad at myself for my body if I don't start working hard myself. I managed 3.75 miles yesterday on the treadmill. Today I'm going to get on the elliptical, the bike, and do a hard core ab/back workout with some legs. I will start feeling more confident in my body in the summertime. 

Half Marathon

I am headed into Week 2 of my half marathon training; I'm feeling pretty good. Tonight I managed 4 miles in 45 minutes which isn't my best time, but I was not winded and was able to maintain a heart rate of 151. I was pretty impressed with myself.

Upon getting a better pace, my sleep habits have been better. No real insomnia at night and it's a much better sleep. I have started my vitamin D supplements again. I read an article that said lack of vitamin D could lead to insomnia. I had no clue they were linked. 

Anyways, I'm impressed with my ambition I was sure it wouldn't last to the second week. If I last 4 weeks, I have promised myself a new watch. The Garmin Forerunner 220. It's a dream :-)

The half marathon I have my eye on is set for April 6th. I think if I can stick to it I will reach my goal! 

Slowly, but surely...

I am so proud to write that I spent the better part of my day planning and preparing meals for the week. I have, for so long now, stated that cooking was my biggest downfall. Well, today I made some changes. I was able to freeze 14 frozen smoothies in a bag, make lunch for all week, make dinner for tomorrow night, and make 24 oatmeal cups for breakfast. I even cleaned up my mess!!!!! Wow, I'm tired. 

To make things even better, I started T25 tonight. I only did the stretch DVD, but it was a leap forward to getting my butt back to working out. 

I'm ready to get up early tomorrow and get moving :-) New Year - New Me :-) (optimistic)

Childhood Dreams

2014 started off, January 1st, with our first hike together up a mini-mountain on our West Texas Deer lease. It was only a preview to us of what we will be experiencing this year! We have officially planned our Spring Break vacation to Big Bend National Park for 5 days and 4 nights. We have planned to stay in the Chisos Basin Campground in the center of the park. We are going "old school" on this trip. No electricity, no air conditioning....we will have some water at the campground and a fire pit. However, we are taking a backpacking hike in the mountains for 1 night. We won't have running water, either. We are going to throw everything we need into backpacks and take off.

We have decided that family vacations like this are just a small part of what we want to do with the boys. I still would like to take them to places like Disneyland, but I also want to take them backpacking through Europe, as well. I want the to be versatile in their upbringing and well-rounded young men. The outdoors are the heart and soul for our family and the true foundation.

Sean and I have come to realize that while people spend large lump sums of money on dwellings, clothes, accessories, and vehicles. We tend to go mediocre. It isn't because we don't like the finer things and definitely not because we don't have the money; it's because we have a different view on life. We are home I would say a solid 3 months out of the year, including the summer time when I'm off. We are constantly bouncing around Texas. If we aren't in the hills of West Texas, we are in the thicket of East Texas, or on the water at Lake Sam Rayburn whether it be fishing, hunting, hiking, or just camping we are always mobile. 

People may laugh, but this year for our 5th wedding anniversary I have asked for a paid hunting trip. I want to go on a hunt to kill a  Red Stagg with my bow. I know it's an odd request from a woman, especially when I could have done just about anything I wanted. I had contemplated taking a cruise to a beautiful sandy beach and spend days basking in the sun with Sean, but to be honest neither of us really care for sand. Not to mention, we couldn't be able to enjoy it and take the kids, too. :-/ So that really didn't define our relationship nor is it really even a part of it. Now, don't get me wrong we do take the kids to the beach once or twice a summer, but we do it to surf fish while they play. I also thought of going to Switzerland or to Austria, but we have already spent a week in Germany. A very special week - my 26th birthday was spent fulfilling one of my life long dreams.

Sean asked  me last week, "What is one thing that you have wanted to do since you were a child?" It took me a while to think. I still haven't answered him directly, but I have concluded that I always wanted to go to Germany. As a small child, I took interest to Germany because of heritage. My mother's father was German - not that I ever met him. I had always been intrigued by the beautiful pictures of the castles as a little girl, especially Cinderella's Castle. I was also fascinated by train travel, customs, and traditions. I never imagined going to Germany was going to be something life would allow. However, my husband has put forth such great efforts at his place of employment they paid for us to go to Germany for a company party. It was a true dream come true for me. Sometimes I still can't believe I was able to go in person. I was able to experience Cinderella's Castle, ride a train, visit Hamburg, talk to locals, visit Munich, see the countryside and stay at some really nice places along the way. Traveling to Germany was just a fantasy hope as a child like the kind you dream of when you are looking through magazines or watching television.

Growing up the one thing I wanted most since I was a child was finding true love and happiness. I wanted to find a man that would love me for me. I dreamt I would marry a man that would share the same desires, wants, and hobbies that I had. I, like all little girls, set up my own Cinderella fairytale - thanks to the media. Growing up, I found that my knowledge was often intimidating to the opposite sex. I have always been an outdoors type of gal. I love to deer hunt. Believe it or not, there are times when I look over now and tell Sean he's talking too much or to be quiet he's too loud. It makes me giggle because there are times when he has to do this too me, but we share this love together. We share the mutually respect for nature and God's country. I like to fish. I used to love doing it much more than here in the past few years. It's been tough to fish a lot with little ones. However, Sean and I have still enjoyed all types of fishing and have spent much of our time on Lake Sam Rayburn with our boys. Sean used to bass fish tournaments with his uncle when we were newly married. Growing up, I knew I wanted a country boy. I looked up to my brother a bunch. Probably would have to say looking back, he was my role model and the foundation for my love of the outdoors. I have fond childhood memories of fishing with him in an aluminum boat for hours on Old River, or the times he picked me up from school to go dove hunting. I knew I wanted a life with someone who could kick back by a fire, drink a beer, stare at the stars, tell some stories, listen to Willie or Waylon, and just be happy with sitting in a lawn chair watching the squirrels fight. So, what I wanted as a child was to find my best friend and spend forever basking in the glory of nature.

So, I guess where I am going with this is that both my childhood dreams have been fulfilled. I wanted nothing more than a wonderful man by my side. A man that would help me raise a family and endure good and bad together. Sean fulfilled my second childhood dream of going to Germany coincidentally. Ironically, no matter how cliché this may sound, he gave me opportunity to view Cinderella's castle, but all along he helped me begin writing my own fairytale. 

With that being said,  the root of marriage/relationship has always been outdoors. The first time we met Sean took me out to the marsh and we rode around the river. Our first true date, we went mudding' on four wheelers. Our first weekend getaway, we spend fishing on Sam Rayburn. Our first Christmas married, Sean bought me my very first bow - Diamond Razor Edge 2009. Whether it be in the deer stand or boat, we spend hours talking about our boys' future, planning finances, trips, and even our meals for the week. We can have serious conversation to just planning everyday life during these special times. Some might say this is why I've never shot a deer because we talk to much. Heck, we planned our Big Bend trip in the deer stand this past week. We ended 2013 and began 2014 in the deer stand together like most of our years together.

Since 2014 is the year we celebrate 5 years of marriage, I find it truly special to say that I'm getting to spend the entire year doing the one thing I wanted most my entire life. I get to spend my time outdoors - hiking, camping, fishing, and hunting. I also get to do it with a man that loves me for me. The man who fulfills all my dreams. He loves me in my good times and in my bad. He loves me in sickness and in health. The man who isn't intimidated by my gift of gab. 2014 will be a big milestone in our life. A year of celebration. A celebration of family and love. I don't remember who, but someone once told me "Celebrate your marriage everyday like you did on the first day."  

In 50 years we can look back at think of the memories made together and with our boys. We have shared all of our milestone's with our kids from the very beginning. I consider myself to be a very fortunate lady to be able to celebrate my marriage the entire year with my best friend traveling and seeing new places together. Hopefully, one day our boys will be able to look back and say that their parents showed them how to truly love. I guess I can now answer Sean's question by sending him this post. 

There are two things that I wanted most growing up: 1 - travel to Europe (Germany actually was the specific place. A childhood wish) 2 - You. You have giving me all my dreams and made them come true - a wonderful man. 

Now you (Sean) ask, what do I have to look forward to if I have fulfilled all my dreams? I  get to look forward to the great plans God has for us in the future. Its like being at the top of the rollercoaster and seeing all the great twists and turns ahead and the rush of excitement you get a the pit of your stomach. I feel that rollercoaster ride everyday. It's even better than an actual rollercoaster because there is no end in sight. I'm truly bless and I couldn't love you more. I look forward to making dreams and wishes together with you and sharing our future together. I'm excited about 2014 and all the years we have to come. :)

2014

We started off 2014 the right way. We took Jacob on his first hike. We climbs a big hill in Barksdale, TX. We had a lot of fun. Jacob really did like it. There will be more weekends of hiking in our future to prepare for Colorado vacation.

contemplation

It's been so long since I've taken the time to blog. I've missed it quite a bit. The last few holiday weeks have allowed more time for reflection on me. I have consistently struggled with balancing life. A mother who works, tries to have a personal life, tend to her husband, and entertain a few hobbies can be tough. However, I think maturity has allowed me to reflect back on my past and figure out the grey areas of life that have bogged me down over the years. I think life became a little crazy and filled with chaos years ago. I struggled with raising a baby, going to college, pregnant with another baby, getting married, graduating college, Sean and I both starting new jobs, and buying a house. That sums up where chaos began. Life changed for us at a rapid speed. Almost like I couldn't grasp ahold of it because it moved so fast.

Recently, I have taken time out and realized that life is finally slowing up for us a little. I feel like I may have a little grasp on reality and life. 

Teaching has been on my mind lately. Struggling with if its really meant for me or not. I remember when I first started teaching. I loved going to work each day. I was grateful for all the I was given. I was excited to walk into my room each day. Now, I am struggling to remember these reason daily. Between data and the stress of a test it becomes difficult to see the light of happiness. However, I am refusing for the joy to be taken out of my passion. I used to refer to teaching as a hobby I had not a job. However, lately its become a chore - personally. I am seeking to change this over the next few months.

I have been contemplating going back to school as an accountant, web designer, and/or public relations/marketing. These are careers I contemplated before seeking an Education Degree.

Besides change of career as a topic - I'm excited our house is on the market. We have had some people come see it, but nothing promising. I can't wait to see what our next house will be for us. I am ready to begin a new chapter of life. The home for 'forever'. The boys are constantly asking when we will move. They are ready for a change, but I'm not sure they really understand what it means.

Running and working out in 2013 was really good for me. I wasn't consistent daily or even weekly, but I definitely led a more healthy conscious life. I hope that I can continue with this but still to strive to eat better and cook more at home. I am consistently struggling with cooking at home. I also hope this changes when we move with a bigger kitchen and dining room to eat in. I've also bought T25 workout videos. I hope to be able to begin this next week.

I have started back on our Dave Ramsey plans. It proved us good in 2012. I can't wait to gain more progress in 2014. I can't believe that this year Sean and I will be married 5 years! :) O, 2014 please be as nice to us as 2013.

Turmoil

Life gets overwhelming and at times I do not know if I am coming or going. I feel like the hamster on the wheel constantly running, but never reaching the finish line.  But heck, who am I kidding? I am a mother of two boys, a middle school teacher, a wife to a shift worker who puts in 15 hour days.  Amongst all of that I am supposed to find time to be Tiffany. How do I even begin to balance life? I am the walking definition of the Type "A" personality. I like schedules, routines, and detest CHANGE! 

I feel like life's daily routines have consumed my personal time. The real question is, "Are all the have to's in life really necessity?" I am finding it very hard to quit being controlling and go with the flow.

I am not sure what steps to take in order to reach the state of cool, calm, and collective. In the past it has not been so bad because my oldest, Jacob was not in school. I didn't have a clue the types of demands Kindergarten would have of my life. 

I have began questioning my role as a teacher and mother. Surely they can co-exist. They have the past four years. Not to mention tons of other women do it as well. Anyways, the bottom line is can I schedule my life to make it ll work and fit? If so how do I do this efficiently and effectively?  

No longer a baby...

Jacob started Kindergarten today! Man how time flies by so quick when you are having fun. He has grown into be such a handsome young boy. He makes me so proud. I love him so much!

Germany

This time last year, I was scrambling to get ready for my first ever Germany vacation. Today, I am recalling on all those good experiences. I think I may start planning this summers upcoming trips :-)

Self Respect

I believe this is my most favorite acrostic ever! I am trying to incorporate all these things every day! :-)

The Switch!

I am really starting to love this blogging thing I have going. Since, I've been doing it so much I decided to change my layout and title. I have to thank this wonderful blog design website for this pretty layout design. I found it via the internet!

 

I did add my past posts to this website from earlier this month. All posts will be routed through this page from this point forward! Hope you like the new layout <3

 

 

Squats

 Today, I took a rest day and only ran 1.5 miles did 25 crunches and 50 squats. A friend posted this squat Challenge or 30 days.

Not sure of the original website for this Squat Challenge, but I got it from Kay Henley's Facebook. :)

I'm excited to start the challenge. I think it will be a great addition to my run workouts!

50 crunches complete for Day 1!