Wandering

Why is it that I still have days that I feel like I'm muddling through the routine? It's like I'm still unsure about my direction. Am I coming or going? It's my personality to overthink everything. I over think teaching, kids, weightlifting, running, shooting...you name it. I once realized it when I was shooting a gun for the first time. I started talking about being a quarter of an inch off and giving my reasoning....why do I have to explain myself every time? Because I think too much. I really hate it. I wish on some level I could let loose a little and kick back. I am mentally exhausted at the end of every day.

Pressure

I am having a night that makes me frustrated with myself. I know, I know...Rome wasn't built in a day. However, these muscles had been built before and torn down without my permission. I get frustrated that a simple front squat movement is so tough....my knees just don't want to bend with the weight. I struggled and it was a real test of my committment to my self.  I remember feeling this way at 16 when I couldn't squat behind the plate. I cried for days maybe weeks. Something I had known my whole life gone.

I see results, but then I don't feel like I'm measuring up to where I should be. I feel like I'm not doing all I could be. I wish I could work out 3 times a day it would be glorious but so unrealistic. My body is changing but right now I'm in the awkward state of unproportional. It's frustrating every morning trying to find clothes that are flattering. I always feel like I could of pushed harder through the workout mentally but physically when it comes to front squats, thrusters, clusters or any movement like these I have a hard time. I know with time it will get better. I just have to press on. 

Rain

"When it rains" by Lisa DeJong is an amazing book filled with so many emotions. I laughed, I cried, and I connected with the characters. Amazing job. I highly recommend this to anyone looking for a good love story.

Love Crossfit

I love Crossfit. I love the challenge. I love how it's changing me. I love the different outlook I have. I love how I feel. I love seeing how much I can push myself. I love the friends I have made. I love the community.

Fear not

I'm realizing I need to be more proud of me and give myself some credit. I short change myself a lot. I never feel like I have done enough. I have a friend who is inspiring me to wake up with a more positive attitude. No matter what I will be happy. So today with no shame I will post my first picture in a bikini. All my comparison pictures from here on out will be in this bikini. (Picture taken 2 weeks ago...)

Stop

Today, I feel like everything is crashing down at once. I cannot seem to catch up. If it's not one thing it's another. It's days like this I just need to pray and talk about it. I know I'm not the only mother trying to do it all. I just don't get how and why it's so hard. My house is a totally catastrophe looking like a tornado has made its way through and blown in junk. This house is too small and not sure how much more I can take before I start renting me an apartment for some sanity every now and then. For the last 3years we have lived in limbo not knowing if we were staying or going. Now we decided to stay it doesn't seem like the construction will ever start only simply bc I don't have the time to deal with it. I seriously want to break down in tears. I feel like I carry the entire load of responsibility. 

I know I'm having a pity party. I don't understand why it's a society norm for the female to have to always concede and give up her life for everyone else in the house to enjoy theirs. When do I get to put me first and why do I sound so much like a brat saying this? I can't be the only one who feels this way. It's not always hearts and roses. 

I am tired of feeling like I live from minute to minute trying to fit everything I can possibly manage. I have anxiety bc of the rat hole we live in. Seriously I'm about ready to lose it. I don't think I can take this mess another week. I'm tired of cooking always being a challenge and the sad part is it's only bc I don't have time to plan it out. When I do have time I spend cleaning up messes. Gurrr...I am such a failure and whine bag. I seriously think something in my schedule will soon have to give. Sad thing is it's going to have to be the one thing that makes me feel like "I" am accomplishing something for my self 😁😞😞😣

😤😤😫😫😫😫😥😢

A year ago....

Another half marathon is at my reach. One year ago, I posted about preparing to for one I registered for before I tore my ACL. Since recovering and joining Crossfit 797, I have signed up for my next attempt at a 13.1. My training techniques have changed. I am mentally preparing and getting stronger. Trying to be better than my yesterday. Another goal is to stay in one piece before this marathon, lol. I think it's the challenge to finish the race not the actual running. Hopefully, I finally fulfill this life goal in a month!

10 years

It has almost been 10 years since I lost one of my best friends. The pain has gotten easier but the question "why?" still exists. 

The last two days I have had overwhelming feelings about him. Feelings that make me miss his happiness and full throttle approach to life. I never really talked about how the accident effected me. Looking back now it totally changed my life and I acted reckless. I wish I could turn back time and redo things differently. I acted rash and should have sought out someone to talk to professionally. It should not have taken me 10 years to cry and not feel like I was to blame. 

I read a book by Tarryn Fisher that tells a story about a girl who loses her first love. She embraces his memory and the happy times. I will never forget my first motorcycle ride it made me feel so free. The flowers he left on m car or the notes he sporadically left me in the middle of the night. He was a true gentleman. After all these years,I realize I needed closure. I never got any closure. I only felt like I belong because of him and when he was gone I felt alone. Isolated from the world. He gave me hope for a better tomorrow. 

Friends I knew my entire life left me in my darkest moments. There were times I wonder if it all was worth another tomorrow. I battled many serious issues months after his accident. I wore a full body armor to shield my self from others criticism and ridicule. I only thought of myself. It was the defense mechanism I had developed to keep from feeling anymore pain. My choices affected others that did love me, but I was too broken to care. Life shouldn't be so harsh and people should never feel alone. 

Somehow over the years I have muddle through my problems. I have learned to accept myself as I am. I am happy with me. Time has blessed me; I'm so lucky. God brought me a wonderful husband that hasn't ever given up on me and two beautiful children that show me happiness and how to embrace life head on. 

Even though my life has moved on, not a day goes by that doesn't make me think of him whether it be a cloud animal in the sky, the Incredibles on TV, a picture of the Grand Canyon, or my eternal love tattoo.... I will always remember the guy who took my hand and showed me that people liked me for me and to smile and embrace life to the fullest. He was so confident and always wore a smile. He lit up every room he walked into and had his own approach to everything. I pray I never forget him. 

"To heaven with Love." My Texas Angel~~