10 years

It has almost been 10 years since I lost one of my best friends. The pain has gotten easier but the question "why?" still exists. 

The last two days I have had overwhelming feelings about him. Feelings that make me miss his happiness and full throttle approach to life. I never really talked about how the accident effected me. Looking back now it totally changed my life and I acted reckless. I wish I could turn back time and redo things differently. I acted rash and should have sought out someone to talk to professionally. It should not have taken me 10 years to cry and not feel like I was to blame. 

I read a book by Tarryn Fisher that tells a story about a girl who loses her first love. She embraces his memory and the happy times. I will never forget my first motorcycle ride it made me feel so free. The flowers he left on m car or the notes he sporadically left me in the middle of the night. He was a true gentleman. After all these years,I realize I needed closure. I never got any closure. I only felt like I belong because of him and when he was gone I felt alone. Isolated from the world. He gave me hope for a better tomorrow. 

Friends I knew my entire life left me in my darkest moments. There were times I wonder if it all was worth another tomorrow. I battled many serious issues months after his accident. I wore a full body armor to shield my self from others criticism and ridicule. I only thought of myself. It was the defense mechanism I had developed to keep from feeling anymore pain. My choices affected others that did love me, but I was too broken to care. Life shouldn't be so harsh and people should never feel alone. 

Somehow over the years I have muddle through my problems. I have learned to accept myself as I am. I am happy with me. Time has blessed me; I'm so lucky. God brought me a wonderful husband that hasn't ever given up on me and two beautiful children that show me happiness and how to embrace life head on. 

Even though my life has moved on, not a day goes by that doesn't make me think of him whether it be a cloud animal in the sky, the Incredibles on TV, a picture of the Grand Canyon, or my eternal love tattoo.... I will always remember the guy who took my hand and showed me that people liked me for me and to smile and embrace life to the fullest. He was so confident and always wore a smile. He lit up every room he walked into and had his own approach to everything. I pray I never forget him. 

"To heaven with Love." My Texas Angel~~